The Real Work In Progress

Hey y'all!

I am the worst, I know. I've been silent on here and social media somewhat for a while, but I know that those of you who actually have stuck around since my 2023 July debut (is it really almost two years?) are not surprised in the least! Ha.

I'm not much of a talker.

I've actually always been that way, likely because my siblings are a decade older and I grew up with just me and my mom in the house most of the time until I moved away to college, then Trinidad. Reading, crafting, Barbie and rollerblading were my best friends growing up. Guess I learned how to be me in my quiet corner of the world.

But as an adult being such a loner has its drawbacks. While being introverted keeps my life relatively drama free, it also is prohibitive to achieving my goals as a creator.

I want to take a minute to tell you why I'm so flaky on social media. It's not that I don't care.

My inability to stay consistent stems from two things:

One, I am naturally endowed with a fragile confidence that makes it hard for me to show up on social media. The imposter syndrome demon enjoys feasting on it every time I sit and create a batch of posts I never actually post.

I generally don't feel like people care what I have to say or do anymore. I know it is a liar in my ear saying such things, but I also feel like my inability to gain reviews for my novels, even though I see the page reads coming through, doesn't help me feel confident about them.

And on the flip side of that, I know that if I was more confident about my books and screamed from the roof tops about them, that it might actually make my readers give enough of a frig to press the star or even type a review!

Well DUH, right?

Fragile confidence.

I have it. Have always had it.

It means that I can do things and go for what I want. I am creative and talented in various areas and people love my work, but I lack the ability to talk about it and big up my own chest (compliment myself). It's debilitating and annoying, because I let myself down every time. I know I can do better. I know how to. But I just can't... not enough to move the needle of wealth or happiness.

The fact is, my confidence level is where it's at now because the pandemic ruined my mentality and my ability to be happy in the ways I used to be. It took away a lot of those things. I couldn't deal with going online and watching the horror. And on top of that, I entered the 40 club and perimenopause has been changing my hair and my body and my hormones love to throw me on emotional rollercoasters without warning.

My natural response was and always is to retreat into self and exist in survival mode. I write, I homeschool, I crochet and I take care of my family. We exist as a unit in our own bubble. That's how I've survived the mental and physical strains. My tribe. Fiction writing became my only focus through the pandemic because it was the best escape I could procure while the world went through severe tragedy and isolation. Writing is for me.

But I am tired of writing while existing in survival mode. And I'm tired of struggle love and raising a family in a failing economy. I told my husband that I feel like 2025 is the year I have to give myself permission to emerge from the cave and live prosperously again. I want to rebuild my other business and show my work to the world. I want to matter to myself enough to believe I deserve to pivot and pursue this new career I am creating for myself. I want to stop living to survive, and enjoy my life and what I have left of my 'youth.'

I told him that I want to be public with my books and stop being scared to admit that I wrote them. I love my characters and my world, so why not? Why do I keep worrying about what others will say? I swear that worry in itself is what keeps the reviews away! I know every author goes through this at some point—which is why I desperately need an author buddy and a beta reader to keep me away from the ledge of self-doubt. I also know I'm not special because (unfortunately!) every single woman in my life is also stuck in survival mode and struggle love. I'm not alone in this, but it is a really fucking lonely feeling, to be frank!

Maybe that's why I loving writing the dream that one day it all stops. My FMCs and MMCs not only give me hope, but give me an outlet to let go of some of the things that have kept me back over the years. When they get their HEA, a little piece of me heals. That's why I write, I guess. That's why I'll keep writing.

So the point of this post is to say that I am tired of standing in my own way. I want to stop giving a shit and start living Me Out Loud so that my blessings will flow freely unto me and my loved ones. Life is too short not to be satisfied with what I make of it.

I haven't figured out the whens and hows yet, because at the end of the day, action is my issue and I just need to buck up and put them Big Girl Panties on! But I wanted to be accountable and say that I am here and I am gently emerging, and I hope to meet you on the other side of this Work In Progress.

I'm thinking of starting a Pinterest Board for my personal motivation graphics, so if you want to, join me there! If not, I'll post them to Instagram too. I'm thinking of focusing on blogging here, but I will be sticking to Instagram and by extension my Facebook page rather than Tik Tok.

Love!

Elani